A Place Where Time Doesnt Exist
Im not entirely sure where Im up to exactly due to my rather hectic lifestyle of late. I have opted for sleep over my recent journalistic attempts here on this page for I have been majorly ran down ie hurting head at the moment, feeling a wooden spoon shoved into my throat etc.

What I will do is basically pick this up from the Queen's Bday Long W\end (The w\end before last) where everything came to a crashing end.

Thursday

Uni was marvellous what else can I say. I got all my work done early to the point where I could leave at 3 much to the disgruntled mumblings ("You bastard" "How the hell did you finish all of that!?" of my fellow Uni cohorts.

For some reason I was really nervous on the train on the way up to Morwell. My gut instinct was trying to tell me something but I didnt heed to it.

I knew straight off that Kat was upset with me and why. She thought I hadnt sent any messages to her and never thought about calling. Truth is I had lost my voice and sent 3 SMS's a day that she never got Insert me assasinating every Optus worker and blowing up their shops We went to Coles for shopping's sake and that was that.

Friday

The focus of this day is what happened at nighttime. It's hard for me to remember because it was so dramatic, I never knew it was coming and how I reacted no one, not a single soul Ive come across, has seen me or even begin to think of me reacting the way I did.

Last w\end something came up between Kat and I were she had something to say to me. Me being the paranoid, average insecure person I am had a panic attack when she wouldnt tell me no matter how much I begged. I knew it was something bad. Upon asking how I would react to it she said I would laugh and convinced me this would be the case. CUT TO this night.
I reminded her that she had "that something funny thing" to tell me and smiling in her teaseful manner she said we had all w\end. Once again I wanted it to be said straight away. But she said she didnt want to ruin the w\end. The explosion went off inside of me rendering me helpless. I knew it. While she was off talking to her mother I sat in the lounge on the ground in front of late night shitty TV realising now my gut insticnt and the fall Im about to take.

She came in and I demanded to know. Then she had that look. I am roadkill. Put a bullet to my head I dont want to be with you I cried and I cried for what seemed like 2 years. I sprawled out on the floor and cried loud and I cried hard. Everything had just forsaken me. Then the memories quickly rolled through my head which made me cry harder than what I could possibly handle. A deluge of emotions. 10 minutes later that question came into my head, Why? She didnt want to hurt me. How could this be I thought to myself? All this time, all the things Ive said to her and she still wont understand what Im willing to do for her and take from her at this rough time of her life. I cried even more from frustation, the memories, her cuddling me there on the floor in front of the heater of a cold winter's night. My emotional deluge was being fueled by every stroke of her hand on my face, every word she said to me about how Im a great person and that she loves me. Enter frustation again. She loves me? How could she do this? She had already answered....she didnt want to hurt me. How could I get through to her? More importantly would I be able to get through to her? What was I to do there and then..

Skip 2 hours into the future I couldnt cry anymore. My tear ducts were dry. We went to bed for what I thought would be the one last time. It still ate away at the very thing that is me...I laid there on my back with her huggin into me saying she will miss this.

I closed my eyes and escaped my problems until the next day.

Saturday

When we awoke we talked. The whole thing is a blur to me, but I know what I said was the truth and I somehow convinced her not to fret. She wanted to be with me and believed it will work. Boy was I relieved. If it wasnt for my innate ability to express how I feel and think I wouldnt be where I am today.

As for the day's activities there is no importance held there for this documentary of such things.

She wanted time to herself. Understandable but can be fatal. Off I went after my shower into the torrential downpour. This moment in my life could be tagged by this phrase, When It Rains It bloody Well Pours I stood there in the rain. Nothing else mattered after what had happened. I eventually reached my Nan's place where a heater welcomed me with dryness and money for grog, not to mention the charcoal chips and uber-micro lamp chops. We had our chat and so did my long-time-no-see Uncle John about life and universe. I was rather shocked to hear this speak come from him. Here I was thinking he was completely insensitive to things around him but how wrong and rude I was. You can never really know enough about a person, even family.
My Aunty Rose came around to pick me up to her place. We had a deep talk about r\ships and what makes things tick in them - all those factors. And so here I was talking to Mark and his girlfriend Ashley about life and the universe and the things people do and say over cans of Bourbon.
Fastfowarding the irrelevant stuff I got home that night to the statement that she had been thinking. I guess I failed to get through to her. This was it. I braced myself. She even talked to friend who listened to her more than discuss with her. This was serious. What I was about to hear made me crash back down to earth and add on 10 years worth of knowledge, wisdom, maturity, respect and thoughtfulness.


Many Many MANY things were listed. Most not for such an accessible publication as this. Some things need to private. Essentially she listed all the things she didnt like. My friends (the female ones), family (cousins who she has fought with), me doing the opposite of everything thats been asked (Properly due to been miles away thinking about my problems and not quite registering whats being said at times), and also how I dont know how to cook or wash. (Long story that one).

I didnt know what to say. What I did in the end does not get blogged as I think Ive revealed too much already. Later, surprise surprise, I cried again. Because I was happy of the great history we have had together, all those times.

That night it was a different story. She started to cry, louder and harder than usual regretting breaking it off at all. Asking me if I dont want to I said no. Essentially she is going through a rough patch at the moment in her life where she feels like nothing. What can I do? Its going to long and damn well hard but I have faith, belief, and hope that she will get over this unease. I know she can do it and I know I have something to offer in the process. It could be a small battle but Im not going to put my hands down now, she's worth it and I will not give up because the going is getting tough. Im not going to quit and Im quite adament about that. In the meantime what I can try and do is give her the space and company she deserves to sort it out. Give her the support, helping hand, listening ear, guiding arm, and warm heart that I have been and will be doing so.

Sunday

The day was fine as it was until we went to the general store.

I couldnt get over at this time of why I have to laugh at someone when they joke. Maybe I dont find it funny, maybe Im too deep into thinking about my problems that cant simply be put aside.Maybe I just cant be stuffed to laugh at them. Now on reflection Kat did have a point. My protest at the time was how sad someone doesnt like it when someone else doesnt laugh at their jokes. Throughtout the past I have been guilty of not particularly "joining in" or "coming back". But since this came up the rest of the day went quiet. She was off in her bedroom with brother Ashley. I was being the usual stupid me and musing over what was said before than just getting over it and on with things! She came in and asked what was wrong and I explained. Yes babe, I know now, I should get over small petty things. I went to hug her and she turned away from me. I walked into the bedroom, Kat was writing and Ashley was drawing. What was I to do? I went to my Aunty's again. As soon as I got there Kat SMS me and asked did I have a problem with her and why cant we talk properly atm and why do I keep going on and on about things. I chose to talk about it later. 1 hr later I was back at her place, ready for something to be said. Nothing. We watched the Sixth Sense and everything was fine. We cuddled a bit and gave each other fleeting smiles. Although just me I think the movie somehow cheered us up and everything was fine for the night.

Monday

And On The Monday They Rejoiced and Drank With Their Friend Smirnoff

Indeed. I walked to the local Bottle-O and grabbed ourselves a bottle of vodka. Hiking all the way back to the house we feasted and skulled. Eventually running out. Enter the beginning of tonight's problem. I decided to ring my cousin Mark to give us a lift to Coles to get some more drink, paying him for the kind favour with grog. At the door he mumbled something about his car. He went and came back with his sister (my cousin) Shelley and his girlfriend Ashley. Enter my gut instinct - this is not going to go well.

Everything was fine and pleasant and diplomatic epecially between Kat and Shelley (a VERY bad history exists between the two stemming from high school days involving horrendous fights). Once Kat said we all cant go in the car thats when everything was triggered. First it's illegal to go in a 5-seater car with 6 people. I suggested to Mark if he could take Ashley and Shelley back home so we have enough room. Kat's mother had rules about who was at the house and who goes with who when going out and leaving the house alone. Kat also needed to get money out for the drink and she wasnt going in the same car with Shelley.
Cutting it short Shelly went skitz because it may have seem to her we were dordling. She said some hard words against Kat and I explained that we live in reality and what you want wont happen. So she threatened to bash Kat next time she sees her down the street.
Cut to Shelly storming into the house. Kat and Ashley are locked in their mother's bedroom speaking on the phone. Turns out they rang the cops with good reason. Shelley was threatening to break things and I think she went to kick the door down with fail. I warned Shelly its best to get out of here, you DONT want to upset anyone. "Get fucked Gerard...." and other variations of this exclammatory comment were said.

Later we ended up out the front. Shelley would not leave. As for Mark and his girlfriend they were in the car. They finally left and Kat said to me the cops are on their way making it seem it was my fault and I was about to get it from the police. I laid on the front lawn and broke down. I cried so hard. When will all this shit stop? I cried more as I heard Kat crying into her mother's shoulders. What have I done? A car pulls up. Shelley was back for more.

She demanded for me. Seen I caused this I will deal with this I thought. Once again she demanded for the money. I said her best shot would be to just piss off. "What did you say!?" I said, "JUST PISS OFF" My cousin slapped me on the left side of my head. "You shouldn't have done that" I screamed. "Why what are you going to do? Hit me back?" she replied. I was tempted too but no, she is family and I would regret it. Once again I forcefully told her to fuck off. Before she did she turned around and slagged all over me. Before she got back into the car I called her the black sheep of the family. The car left finally with Shelley making sheep noises.

I returned to the grass patch near the garden and cried. I heard Kat cry into her mother's shoulders and I cried harder. What have I done to her? I have pissed her mother and Bob off so much. Julia came up to me and patted me on the shoulder. I was surprised at this because I didnt think I would get it nor deserve it. Cut to me continuing this outpour of emotional breakdown in the lounge. Kat didnt want to know me. I've fucked everything up. Well done Gerard.

I was told she wanted to see me. We talked and talked. She didnt blame me for "I had no idea Shelley was in the car and didnt know what she was going to do". I was shocked that her parents weren't pissed off at me. If they were, I was warned, I wouldn't be in the house. Kat was glad I had some sort of self-control with Shelley. Epecially considering my statement to the police later would have had me saying how I assaulted her back. I didnt charge her in the end just a hard word which I think never got delivered. (Writing this 2 weeks from now). Everything returned to what you could call normal, how things were before all of this every started. Epecially when Kat said to me about our relationship, "love conquers all."

Tuesday

Too upset to go to Uni I decided. Kicked back and went shopping with Kat at Mid-Valley. Missed the train and so I enjoyed a night in in front of the heater watching All Saints and Stingers and playing Super Nintendo with Kat.

Wednesday

Learnt another thing today. "Get-off-your-arse-when-gf-hears-weird-sound-outside-bedroom-window-and-damn-well-check-what-it-is". Me being the idiot I can be and most well seem to be often, didnt move. Future note to self. But digression comes into play at the moment.

I walked a thousand miles to the station and took that ever so shitty boganite 12:20 Vline to Spencer St. After the standard freak show at the Moe station (Soory Moe folks if there are any of you out there) I had my well-deserved nap.

Shock, horror. What had I stumbled on? Uni class was damn well brilliant. Turns out our lecturer chose a supernatural theme for our storyboard illustrations. Right up my alley (Yours truly being the X-Philes Fanatic cum UFOlogist cum ghost believer and UFO witness that I am). Ever since that day this assignment was quite good for a bloody change after all the shite ass. (assignments) we've been doing.

Friday - Sunday

Nothing much to be commented on here or devulged into. Other than staying home for a change since around the time of Easter and getting much needed sleep there are two gribes I have to make.

OPTUS
Those arsehats have done it again. My better half went off to a party in the local area. The arrangement was made that if it was good she would call so I would come on down and drop by. She did exactly that but in true Optus fashion I never got the call. Fucking fucktards. I've had it up to the highest hair follicle on my head with those incompetent wanks and the service they provide. This is not the first time either which makes matters worse for them. This is the preverbial cherry on the cake as it was explained the party was great....lotsa people...lotsa booze...spit roast and more importantly...a jumping castle. Telstra here I come!


Priests
Normally I dont mind them. Some I have even liked, epecially the one who liked to talk about how to make bombs and sex. No wonder he got excommunic8ed* (expelled from thy priesthood). But there is this one prick at the church I barely go to now - Tynong or more precisely The Church In The Victorian Farm Shed (Ex-tourism location).

I walk in, take my bow and sit down on the last phew (poo?). I see something scurrying across the floor behind me. Was it some vermon? I wasnt fair off. Fr. Loschi (Lastwank? - french prenounciation). He and I go right back to well.....last summer. That story another time.

He kept mumbling something to me about going to Confession. Yep thats right, its been that long where now I have a priest forcing me to go to. Surely not? As I was trying to decipher his thick French accent I could tell he thought I knew exactly what he was saying but was being a smartarse as I can be. You be the judge. Finally I worked out what he was TRYING to say....glenuflection. In normal English words, kneel down instead of bow. He said to me "he was sick of me" and "kneel down". What a dick. In my honest opinion I think he is nowhere near to be labelled a priest. Priests dont tell their laymen, parishoners, he is sick of them and dictate them what to do and how they should enter the church. My good friend said to me that he has even said to people, "if you dont like it here go to another church" Surely a good priest wouldnt repel people from his church at what seems the drop of a hat in some cases? Not that I really care...

Monday-Thursday

Work work work. Rang my gf every second night, that was about all that happened this week. All that is really worth saying is YAY. 1 month holidays at long bloody last welcomed superbly with Uni friends down at the local pub with a $2:30 glass of VB.

*My god...Im uptodate with my blog. Hurrah.

Friday

Stay tuned late next week after I come back from Kat's.......adios.