Take It All Away

Fuck everything. I'm over it. There's point in fighting. There's no point in trying. There's no hope. Fuck it all I say.

Fuck the lot of it. I'm so sick of everything I haven't been this annoyed, this frustrated, disappointed, saddened, angered, paranoid, rageful, depressed, odd for a long time. Actually, I have no been this bad at all.


Well-Being
Something's seriously getting to me. Maybe it's stress or lack of sleep or something, I don't know because I'm never good at really detecting if I'm stressed until it's too late and I fall to pieces.
On one drunken night I get severely depressed so badly I started writing about how I felt which I've never done before. The other four I was with, each of them had paired up with each other either as attendees to a party over the road there in the Caravan Park or chatting each other up, leaving me by myself. Doesn't matter where I am, I often myself as the *extra* person, the odd numbered one. Weird. Maybe that night it was a mixture of too much Vodka mixed with too much Calamari and sauce and drinking from the night before, but I was about to throw it all up. I wanted to desperately. I always want to throw up when I'm stressed as a way of relieving myself. I remember the next night, our final night, was suppose to be grand and joyful but it diminished as soon as went to the beach. I set the blankets up so we could sit around in a semi circle but instead everyone (the two pairs) ended up cuddling on it and putting the blanket over themselves. What the hell was the point of going to the beach? So here I was, sitting on the sand with a bourbon in hand, watched these couples either massage each other, canoodle, get cozy and basically have their own conversation. Again, I'm the odd one out. Things just worsened and I stormed off after a friend thew a glass at my leg because I pissed him off. I ended up collapsing in some drain there on the beach, gazing into the heavens. The peace. The stillness. Soothing.
I froze up, I cried my eyes out and thought about everything. The impossible career that's facing me and whether Ill get to Hollywood or not. The older I'm getting, the more passionate I become about it but it seems so far away. What will I do too when my parents die? This was what really upset me. I am an only child and there is only myself. Always has been and always will be. Our clan of the four of us here in this family, when they go, that's it. It will just be me. Then of course, I lamented over having a partner.

Love and Sex
What must I do to get a girl? Who really gives a shit right about my love issues? Just another person whining about love right? Well, I just want a partner. That's it. I want intimacy, companionship, I'm lonely, and want someone to be there who's closer to me than a friend is. Ion also severely sexually frustrated and have been prior to the break up with my ex even. 8 months of tension. Bleh.
I know I've covered this before but it worsens each day to the point where it depresses me slightly to see other couples or people who can easily pick up. I don't understand what's wrong with me or if IMHO doing something wrong....8 months and not one thing has happened. Really...Why is it so hard for me to get someone?
It also doesn't help that I've been clucky lately. Yes clucky. Ever since I was really young, I always wanted a family, especially kids. Maybe it was my way of dealing with having no brothers or sisters. I barely got lonely when I was little though. Always had things to do, friends, and enjoyed being an only child. But now I'm getting older, I would kill to have a sister. A lot would say I wouldn't want one, but you have no idea unless you feel the way I do. So nowadays, I see kids and the cluckiness goes off like a rocket in me. I can imagine myself doing a lot, but for some reason the image of me having a family can sometimes be faint or the strongest image I can see in my mind. Being 21, it's set a lot of things off in me. Maybe I'm becoming Ally McBeal-esque in regard to my biological clock and will start seeing that dancing baby. God forbid. What am I talking about? I don't even have a girlfriend for the moment.
And so, this is what upset me on that night in the drain. I walked back, and one pair of friends were still under the blanket. I was upset that no one rang me or SMS me to see if I was ok, so, me being the drunken depressed person I can be at very rare times, I pretended to be highly intoxicated and had a coughing fit (which wasn't acting every since I became sick a while ago). What did my mate do? Just turn me on my side and that was it. He went back to the bundle of blankets and kept chatting to his 15 yo floosey. Usually, you would take care of someone if they were *drunk* and place blankets around them or take them back home so they're ok. Alas, this wasn't the case. So I stumbled home to my bunk bed in the caravan and shut my eyes in the darkness.

University
I'm over that too. It's fucked really. Past two days I've had no work to do, yet we have less than two weeks to complete the most complicated 3d film that has been made to date at the campus. Yet I have no work because apparently they don't have any to give to me. I'm a duck out of water, normally I would be submerged in work at this time of the year, I've been like this ever since 2000. I'm a workaholic and need my work!
Skipping all of the technical issues at hand, the way this production has been approached is fucked. The computers crash, the software crashed or can't render our work because of the way the work has been constructed. It's all unstable. I don't know how many times I've seen that little error window come up telling of the program terminating. Maybe I feel odd too because I'm not the director of this film? I've thanked God I'm not as the shit that is going on...I would've gone over the edge. I think I did the right thing due to the state I'm in where I've burnt out a bit. IM so weak these days. Id rather sit back as Assistant Director and see the main Director fret from stress anytime.
A majority of the people too in my class will not fucking cooperate or collaborate, nor are they committed. The Three C's. Very important I think in any project. It's just not happening really. IM not passionate about it anymore nor do I care. For me this is quite unusual as normally I hang on to a project, even if it takes a year to make like my first film. Not to mention, the project manager expects us to stay at the computer at all times and drink lots of coffee and just work. Fuck that. If anyone is familiar with all-nighters is me. After all the films and art-related projects I've spent many a night on, one thing I realise these days is how important it is to practice OHS. I made an oath to myself at the start of the year I will never do all-nighers from there on, and IM sticking by it. It's just not healthy.
I doubt the film will be finished on time and looking the way we all wanted it to look. IM disappointed. Let it be a learning experience I guess. But IM pissed so much because I wanted to finish on a high this year and this film is becoming just one big pain in the fucking arse. I really don't care about it anymore, IM too drained, too weak to really put that effort in. I started to but then no one really embraced it and gave my something substantial to do. So sod 'em. I could kick all their arses if I really put my mind to it, but right now, I can barely do the most mundane of things.

Career
Another thing that is eating away at me is the fact that now is the time to start my career. IM over Uni a bit, not that I will drop out before the course is over. I was walking around the nearby shopping centre last week and saw people working back late and I thought to myself, "Hey, I wouldn't mind doing that". Unlike when I was 16 or so and worked as a Checkout Chick at Target, or as a Paper Boy in Yr. 12 delivering real estate papers in the local region - I've had a huge maturing since then where I want to work and prove my skills, test them in the arena. Again, with the age I am, it's enough about dreaming having that career, now I must make it happen. Seize and strive. My final year of Uni eases off next year where we attend once a week (apparently) so IM certainly not vegging around at home. I want to get out there. As a result, Ill be booking myself in for a Responsible Service of Alcohol and Gaming License soon and hopefully acquire a night job of such from there. On top of that, next year, I want to get a day job somewhere. IM not really fussed (except for goddamn fast food places, no food). Maybe somewhere like fashion, home and garden, music, electronics store, or something else. Better still, I will try for the film industry as a *goer* down at Docklands new studios and I certainly want to try at Ch. 9 in Richmond there. Always favored working for them. On top of this, I will try for the animation\visual effects industry, especially at two places I have had my keen eye on. And finally, in my spare time, I will work my arse off on a showreel to send off around the world come this time next year. Luckily I know a guy at Fox Studios (who worked on Shrek 2) who has friends at Weta in NZ and other places across the globe. My main aim is to be employed with Weta and work on post production of Peter Jackson's remake of King Kong or his next film, The Hobbit. Long shot, but IM determined. Must improve my work.

Spontaneous Human Combustion
Today I felt like I was going to spontaneously combust on the Spencer St platform. Things have building up in my head since I started the Pre-21st Life Crisis Series of posts. Everything is so goddamn irritating. The way the old 50-something Greek guy in Seven Eleven across the road from my Uni greets me when I walk into the store with my two Greek mates. I know he doesn't like me. Just because I walk in there only to warm up my pizza bun and not buy any of his stuff, opting to run down the street to my favorite pie shop for their sausage rolls instead. Plus the fact too that IM not Greek, he seems quite partial to the others. IM sick of waking up and feeling like shit, IM sick of running late for the train, sick of how I feel like IM an unco walking down the street cos everyone looks at me, and ESPECIALLY fed up with fucking people gazing at me as I eat my food in public. Piss off and get over my wonderful tasting potato cake or dim sim. Go buy your own.
Goddamn tram drivers too...they always slam on their brakes consistently, strange though, because the Caucasian drivers seem to drive well. Not being racist, but really, what is with a good majority of tram drivers who are Indian in origin slamming those brakes? I've always taken close eye of who the driver is and how they drive and what is on the road as a result of knowing people who are tram crazy and drive them. But enough about that. IM sick of my fuggin spelling mistakes in this post. IM sick of fucking metros, bogans, white collar workers, blue collar workers, old people, young people and ESPECIALLY fucking people who come to an abrupt stop in the middle of the path. Inconsiderate again!
Sick to death of fucking annoying ads on TV too, ESPECIALLY car ads, banks ads, real estate ads, that FUCKING HEARD THROUGH THE GRAPE VINE JINGLE, and IM REALLY SICK OF THESE THINGS TOO:

• Hillary *IM a skanky fucktard* Duff
  
• Black rappers (I like some but C'mon, they are all the fucking same and don't have anything amazing to offer. Same shit over and over. This not only applies to rappers, but rock bands as well like The OffSpring, Good Charlotte and all those try-hard bands. I've actually skimmed 3 radio stations simultaneously and each song by a different artist is exactly the same. Shit you not).
  
• All Saints (fucking hope all those characters get killed off ASAP and free us from such a depressing show. Trust me, I tried to get into it with assistance from an ex-gf but no...NO I say. Die now All Saints).
  
• Blue Heelers (much the same applies as above)
  
• Michael *IM trying my hardest to cash on how *funny* I was on "The Castle" Caiton
  
• People saying how great The Castle is. It's overrated like sport is.
  
• Dancing With The Stars (Daryl, please stop referring to Hey Hey like it's still on. Get rid of the girl too with all the teeth. Get rid of the band. Also get rid of the judges, bloody stupid how they *always* give 6 or 7 as a score. Rarely high or low. Same old, same old. Get rid of most of those fucktarded celebrities. Except Rebecca Cartwheel, she's hot, except for the squeaky voice).
  
• Ex-cricket players doing advertisements for hair or air conditioners. (You all suck at doing sales pitches and should never been seen on TV).
  
• Australian Idol (don't EVER get me started on this).
  
• Gay Guy Sebastian (What's so good about him?).
  
• Shannon *dickface* Knoll (Need I say more?).
  
• Remakes of songs, books, films, and whatever else they feel necessary to remake again for your annoyance. (It's one thing to recycle, but it's another to do remakes).
  
• Whiny Teeny Emo Punky Boy Bands (even when their balls drop, assuming that it will happen *some day*, they will still make shit music that is a waste of space on the airwaves and CD shelves in the music stores).
  
• Fucking Dada Armani clothing range. Brings out the skank\bogan in all of us. Shit, shit, shit brand. You look like a bag of shit.
  
• Britney Spears' new frangrance. ("Brings out the skank in you")
  
• ..and fucking Politics (really now, who gives two shits about it? It bores the fuck out of a good majority of people, yes it might be important but no need to shit on about it. Debates, discussions, protests, activists, rebuttals, analysis, reviews, interviews, they don't get anywhere. STFU with it all and get a life. Everywhere people go on and on and on and on....UGH. SHUT...UP. There's nothing you can do about it, without any power at least or a prominent position of authority. But then again, opinions are like arseholes, everyone has one).
  

Finally..Inconsiderate People
Is anyone considerate anymore? This is fucking pissing me off that everyone hasn't either been taught by their parents, put it to use, or just too goddamn ignorant to use the simple things that can really make someone's day. Absolutely amazing what a simple "Hey, how are you", "Are you ok?", or "What you been upto?" can really mean to someone. IM one of those people and don't care if one single arsehat thinks IM upper class, petty, pathetic or have a plethora of hang-ups. It's called fucking decency and courtesy. What has happened to it? I've always tried my best to make sure I say hello to people, ask them how they are, and what they've been upto. It's the right thing to do and basic social etiquette. Occasionally it may have slipped but hey, sue me alright, IM human. But what really shits me up the wall is how no one either answers my questions, or they can't ask me back.
It's like helping people too. You go out of your way sometimes to help someone, but when you're in need of it? Not a f'n chance of it dickface. FUCKING HATE FUCKING INCONSIDERATE, RUDE, IGNORANT PEOPLE. I've dealt with it for a long time and thought surely it would catch on, or they might wake up to it, but it's something that is very important too because I believe courtesy and decency are important things - but looks like maybe a good majority of people are fuckign ignorant slobs who couldn't give a rat's arse. Everywhere I go, it's there. It's not just one place, at one time with one person - EVERYWHERE. As for these excuses, oh I wasn't thinking or Oh.....*no comment* fuck off. More often that not, this kinda of inconsiderate behavior won't help you to get a job, present a good representation of yourself nor excel your reputation in the job arena, nor anywhere else. I just can't fucking understand it. All of this applies to honesty as well, another very important character trait to me. I fucking hate bike-biting, clandestine messages, back-stabbing, if you've got something to say to my face, bloody well say it. Ill think of you more. Don't say behind my back what you wouldn't say to my face.
Since I've turned 21, increasingly there are more and more things that I consider very important, and courtesy, considerateness, decency, and basically just good manners is something that should be done more in my opinion. Especially in this world. Maybe some of my Mum is rubbing off on me, highly likely, but that's not a bad thing. IM not one to lecture people at the tea table and how to use their cultlery or get their elbows off the table (shit I do it myself), but you know - these little things can make all the more difference and has been proven to make the basis of a good humanitarian.

Now - I am content getting all that out. Who knows if things will get worse. Currently my brain is pouring out my nose and IM sick as a fucking dog..again. But concluding on everything I've said, and for all those dishonest people out there, this is for you.

"If any of you sons of bitches got anything else to say, now is the fucking time!"